The Man Under The Roof (Second Draft)
I read this short story ‘The Man Under The Roof’ today, a couple of months after I wrote the first draft. Not surprisingly, there were quite a few misspellings and grammatical errors so I corrected them. Wording was a bit odd here and there, so I made several changes as well. I also made a pretty big change in the last paragraph, the ending so that the story made more sense; I think that this second draft has a better closure.
I am asking someone to read this and give me feedback as I write this. So, I might make more changes later on, but I feel that this is slightly but recognizably better than the first draft.
The following short story is partially based on my personal experience; however, it is, after all, a fiction, not a true story. Please do not get offended if you identify that you are one of characters in the story because characterizations are not exactly accurate truthful depictions of real life people.
The man was smoking a cigarette. It was 3:30 am and it was completely dark outside. The house had a small backyard and extended a small roof toward it. He stood right under the roof. It was raining and he narrowed his eyes and looked through the rain toward the dark sky seen right above the top of the wall built at the end of the backyard. He knew that he’d recall this moment on this day some years from now and simply confirm that this was one of less grammar days of his life and he was on the path to his triumph; at this very moment, he had no possessions, nor did he achieve anything the world recognized, but he saw the path laid out in front of him.
The house was owned by Kerry Cline; she was Roy Townsend’s girlfriend and Roy was his friend. Roy was one of those people full of failures in life. He never finished high school. He entered college nonetheless and managed to get A.S. degree but he failed to complete four years degree. Before he dropped out of college, he already went through a bankruptcy and a divorce. He had a child with a woman whom he never married. Even after the bankruptcy, he managed to accumulate a huge debt. All these took place more than ten years ago, so he went through even more failures before today; also his debt was all time high now. But Roy was a good friend of the man; Roy was perhaps his best friend. He actually liked the fact that Roy was a good friend despite his numerous failures because it was an indication that he was not concerned about what the rest of the world thought about him when it came to his personal matters; he was friend with those whom he chose. He also liked a little oddity in his life; he saw the path to his triumph laid out in front of him, but as far as the rest of the world was concerned, he was just another failure who could only find a friend among losers. Oddity showed that he was unique in many ways and he found great value in the uniqueness.
The man was not a sexist or a racist; he did not discriminate people based on their sex, race, ethnicity or sexual orientation though he was a little prejudicial in the past admittedly. However, he was never able to like those of no intellect. He understood that he should not categorically dislike them but he did it as if it were his biological reaction; he found himself disliking those of no intellect like he found himself breathing. He had no suicidal tendency so he never tried to stop breathing but he did not consciously breath all the time, either; he just breathed subconsciously, and just like that, he disliked those of no intellect. Kerry Cline was a woman of no intellect; she would not do any harm to anyone but he was simply not very fond of her.
Roy could spend days or even weeks just telling his failure stories, and Kerry, his girlfriend, was a woman of no intellect, yet the man was staying at her place after all because of their generosity so to speak; he actually depended on them. Roy had an interesting ability to persuade some people to do what he wanted them to do; whether he made good use of that ability was questionable though. He actually met Kerry only a couple of months ago but he somehow persuaded her to quit her job, move into his place and help him to run his business; Kerry obeyed. The man was also running his business that he started about a year ago in a very difficult circumstance but he only had such a small income that he could not really afford his own place. He was staying at Roy’s place up until a couple of months ago since Roy had an extra bedroom but Kerry moved into Roy’s place now. Roy quickly persuaded her that the man needed a place and she let him stay at her place. The arrangement was made without a lot of problems. Rent-free.
The man turned thirty last month. He was not old but he had mixed feeling about it. After all, he had no processions. He did not achieve anything the world recognized. He knew that he would leave his footprints on this plant, but, in the end, there were no footprints today. He did not feel any pressure but he had to realize that it’d be some years before the world finally saw who he was and what he was capable of.
The man sipped some red wine. He was not drinking red wine to be fashionable; he simply liked the taste. It gave him small buzz so that he felt less distressed. It also cleansed his palate after he smoked a cigarette; the wine gave him comfort. It was poured in a large wine glass and the glass was placed on the air conditioner that stuck out from the house. He continued smoking and sipped more wine.
There was a certain oddity in the fact that Roy Townsend full of failures in life persuaded his girlfriend Kerry Cline of no intellect to arrange a place for the man to stay at her place for free, but the man’s situation was even more odd. He had a roommate, Adriana; she was a former Army officer and her current occupation was pet-sitter. She just played with pets all day long. He did not know exactly what kind of life she lived but he could see that she did not exactly age well. As far as he knew, she was not a drug addict or an alcoholic but her womanhood was gone; she was definitely not one of those well-aged older attractive women. She had about ten thousand dollars of credit card debt; she was still single in her 40s and never married before. She owned a small truck, DVDs and books, but she didn’t own anything else. Given the amount of her credit card debt, her networth was probably minus, not plus. Another failure in America. But even she paid the rent every month, so, conventionally speaking, he was a bigger failure than she was. He smiled just for a second because he felt that it was rather funny.
The man looked back his life up to this day as he continued smoking and sipping more wine. There were ups and downs, but, over all, he was on the path to the conventional success up until three years ago. Fine education, fine jobs, moving to New York City, friends, recognition from those who knew him in the past though he might not have been in touch with them for years, and finally fine income. But, one day, three years ago, he just decided to leave all those because he realized that there ought to be more in life. He did not regret, nor did he feel that he made a wrong decision. He simply recalled the last three years to analyze his current situation. He moved around a bit after he left New York and he eventually came back to California with Roy Townsend’s help. He met Roy years back for the first time here in California, and Roy was still there when he got in touch with him six months ago; shortly after he explained his situation to him, Roy offered him some help that led to his move back to this state. He focused his eyes on the dark sky, and then, he mentally just brushed aside what he was recalling.
The man was finishing his cigarette; the wine glass still had some wine left. After all, he was at best a guest in the house, so he put out the cigarette by pushing it on the wet concrete ground. He took the cigarette put out, entered the house and threw it in the trashcan. He was about to walk up to his room on the second floor to continue his work but he looked back and looked through the window; his eyes focused on the dark sky beyond the back wall once again. He suddenly felt that his mind was very clear. He was not a religious man, but he felt spiritual strength. He had a vision of his triumphant day. The day would come; he simply knew.
